Life is Stupid
by Deadpaint
Summary: To all of you American girls, its sad to imagine a world without cheeseburgers. American girls I'd like to be part of the blubber inside you. Driving a mobility scooter by the seaside, watching the whales from the bright side. To all of you American girls with diabetes. No one can tell where your face is. American girls like toffees, With multiple chins and bloated bodies.


When I first woke up I was like "Aww shit!" Which sucked because "Aww shit" is such an uncreative thing to say when you're surprised. It would have been better for me to have said something else. Of course, I didn't know what that something else would've been. I made a note of it in my head to make sure to come up with something later. Of course you can't beat on me too much, I mean it was so freaking cold! It was wet. It was like raining and thundering and shit. I was on the ground at first, then all I could see was clouds and rain and something black in the sky. Everything was black. There was only one light in the sky. I didn't know what the hell I was doing. All I knew was that I needed to get to that light for some reason. The wind pushed me around all over the place which really pissed me off. I hated thunder storms. They weren't even scary, just annoying. The only reason that I was shivering was because it was cold, I swear to god. I only walked three steps when I saw this little sign. "Lighthouse". Ok I'm not gonna lie, I was a little freaked out. I don't like being freaked out, it's stupid. I rather be pissed than freaked out, so I tried to think about some shit that would make me angry. Lighthouses, yeah I remember there was this one lighthouse that I read about in a "How to read blueprint" manual. It talked about how there was this one lighthouse (I don't remember the name) that people actually moved once. Like, they actually picked apart the lighthouse and put it back together somewhere else. Reading about that pissed me off for some reason. Why not just build another lighthouse? Stupid. "Holy shit." Damn! I said it again! I couldn't think of anything else to say! I got to the top of the hill and looked down. The waves were white even though everything else was black. I looked up and saw this big ass tornado way out in the sea. It was far away, I knew this, but it was so big... How am I not flying away? I thought. "Holy fuck!" A fucking boat! It was a fucking boat that was flying! Not at me of course, I would have said something worse man! It crashed right into the lighthouse. I felt the air coming down on me. Then I didn't have anything left to say because that lighthouse was falling down now. It was falling on me. I didn't even say anything. Just screamed. I screamed and felt more shame than fear, shame that I was actually afraid of some stupid lighthouse. It's ok though, it was just a dumbass dream. To be honest with you I felt kinda ripped off. I woke up right in the middle of Photography class with my teacher, Mr. Jefferson talking about Alfred Hitch Cock. Hehe... cock. After like three minutes of him talking I realized why I had that dream. The subconscious of my brain secretly preferred death to this boring lecture. Luckily for me, I was right in the middle of the world. The world of wimps and wankers. High school was the name of this world and it wasn't long before I started seeing some nice action coming into place. Some blonde yuppie threw a paper ball across the room as Jeff turned around. He liked to walk around when he talked. She was throwing paper at Kate, or Onion head, as I liked to call her. It was pretty funny I guess. Just as that happened, Victoria's phone started buzzing. She didn't get caught unfortunately. Screw Victoria, trust me she sucked bonobo balls. She started answering questions to Jeff a little while after. I can't tell you if she said anything stupid or not, remember I wasn't paying attention. I was too busy reveling in my own sexiness. That's right. I was busy looking at the picture I had taken earlier that morning. There was this little contest going down in the School's program you see. Whoever turned in the sexiest picture would get to go to another city with Jeff. You better believe that I was in that. In fact, I was feeling so sexy that I decided to take a picture right there in the middle of class. If anyone had a problem with that then I would straighten them out right away. I picked up my camera and looked at Jeff one more time before taking a shot. Hell yes. Jeff did a lot of shushing when he talked. That kind of pissed me of because I wasn't even talking, no one was, but it especially pissed me off because nobody shushes me. I'd kill a man for doing that, shit. Still Jeff was alright. He was hot so it was ok. I guess I could deal with a hot person shushing me a little better than an ugly ass person shushing me. Anyways he was talking about stuff before I interrupted him. He was talking about how he could take any one of us and take pictures of us in a moment of desperation in a dark corner or something. I have a really dirty mind so... Let's just say that I was smiling for my picture.

He was the first one to notice. "I believe Max has taken what you kids call a selfie. A dumb word for a wonderful photographic tradition". Damn straight. I hated that freaking word along with all the other cowshit Internet slang that the Dank ass tripes were coming up with nowadays. "And Max...has a gift". He wanted me. I knew from the first day that he wanted me but it was too bad for him because I was like a Puritan and shit. I mean don't get me wrong, he was hot but he wasn't hot enough, no one was. Then he started talking about some other 1800s shit and I got bored so I stopped listening. I was about to start doodling something funny like a stapler with eyes or some graphic depictions of rape but then the bastard called on me. "Now Max, since you've captured our interest and clearly want to join the conversation can you please tell us the name of the process that gave the first self-portraits?" I looked up at him. Crap. How the hell am I supposed to know? Everyone was looking at me now. Screw them. I hated everyone who was looking at me, who looks at people just because they are called on by the teacher? Seriously who does that? Do you do that? Screw you if you do that. "Why you asking me? Hold on let me think for a second..." "You either KNOW this or NOT Max!" Hey who the fuck you think you talkin to you four eyed sickle celled father fucker?! Don't you fucking raise your squeaky crusty ass voice to me! "Is there anybody here who knows their stuff?" Then Vick raised her hand and started talking. I didn't understand a word she said which showed that she was reading it straight out of the text book. When she was done talking she looked over to me and smiled. "Now you're totally stuck in the retro zone, sad face". At least I'm not stuck in the lesbian zone you pixie haired pron. I was shaking at this point. Screw Jefferson. Screw Victoria. And Screw every one of the penguin fuckers that laughed at her dumbass crack. The bell finally rang. "Hey guys don't forget to submit a photo for the "Everyday Hero's contest. I'll fly out with the winner to San Francisco where you'll be feted by the art world. Its great exposure and it can kick-start a career in photography so Stella and Alyssa, get it together. Taylor, don't hide. I'm still waiting for your entry too and yes Max I see you pretending not to see me". I'm pretending not to see you because your crusty ass looks like an oompah loompa with gigantism. By the time that the room was empty, I was still sitting at my desk. Why was I sitting at my desk you ask? Well I was contemplating whose ass I should beat first. Jeff's, Vick's, or my own for not saying anything and taking their shit. Both of them were up front talking real quietly. I bet they were talking about me. Onion head was here too, she was a few seats next to me. No offense but Onion head was looking kind of sexy from where I was sitting. I thought that maybe I could pick her up and maybe make out later so I walked up to her. There was a computer in front of her and it was on so... You know. I decided to open a new page but I left it fresh for the time being. It was a split second sort of thing. I turned my head back to Onion. Her giant head was buried in her notebook. She was being all sad or whatever today but that was all about to change. "Hi Onio... I mean Kate." "Oh hi Max." "You seem kinda... Quiet today." "Just thinking too much." She said. She was probably thinking about me. "Yeah well you wanna stop thinking?" "Wha?" "Let's go somewhere you and me. Let's go drink stuff." "Thanks but not today, I've got too much homework." Fuck you then. "No problem, let's hang later". Little bitchass Onion rejecting me, Me! She's gotta be blind or something. Hey, I don't give a damn if she's straight. Orientation is irrelevant when one is witnessing the magnificence that is Maxine Caulfield. I fiddled about in the back of the classroom looking at some of the pictures posted and contemplating what I should do next. I took a look over to the left side of the room and guess what I saw? Vickie's phone was sitting right next to her prissy pencil case. Look at that. I grabbed it real quickly and looked to see if it was locked or not... It was. That was when I remembered, the computer. I left her phone and went back to the page that I had opened up. Then I typed in "prolapse" in the image browser and then I just turned my head. I clicked the first picture without looking and then I turned off the monitor. Hehe. I could see that everyone was heading outside from the window. Blackwell was a real pit stain but it had the paint of those average gothic schools that think they're hard or something. I took one more picture, one of some desk scratches that I noticed while heading for the door. Desk graffiti is one of the purest art forms because it doesn't expect any form of reward, just attention. It read something like "Amber forever" with hearts. I don't remember. I walked past Dicktoria and Jeffersonofabitch and I headed for the door. "I see you Max Caulfield, don't even think about leaving here before we talk about your entry." He was NOT talking to me. The only reason I started walking back was because I was going to walk up to him and smack him upside the head. Just when I started to raise my hand he started to kiss, he started to kiss my ass. "I'd never let one of photography's future stars avoid handing in her picture". If there were three things that I couldn't stand it was playboys, gold diggers and ass kissers. "I've been busy dot... Way too much homework and stuff."

Then he started slashing me again. "Max you're a better photographer than a liar." Yeah because I WAS lying, what I really wanted to say was: "I didn't do it cuz I didn't feel like doin it. What the hell do you have to say about THAT?" "Now I know it's a drag to hear some old dude lecture you but life won't wait for you to play catch up. You're young, the world is yours, blah blah blah right? But you do have a gift, you have the fever to take images, to frame the world only the way you envision it. Now all you need is the courage to share that gift with others. That's what separates the artist from the amateur". You know Mr. Jeff had it all wrong. I mean he was right about the artist part. I was an artist. But photography was just a front. True art is something that can't be seen. True art is personal. Mr. Jeff had no idea who he was dealing with. What you don't believe me? Just wait till you hear what I did when I got out to the hall. I opened the door and the first thing I saw was Tripes. Tripes and Dips and gennies as far as the lockers stretched.

I decided that I would go to the bathroom and splash water on my face, yes that would be the perfect thing to do. I needed to calm down after all. It was getting way too hot up in my head. On the way there I decided to practice "real" art. Art that photography could never capture. It didn't matter who I started out with, the book would tell me everything. Yes, the book knew everyone's name but I was the only one who could actually put something into those names. The first two that I saw were Taylor and Courtney. They fell into the bubblegum phylum, real colorful, real annoying and real brainless. These two were Vicki's friends and they automatically sucked to me. Next I stumbled upon a cockatoo looking prick by the name of Evan. This little asshole had a voice squeakier than a chipmunk getting run over by a lawn mower. Just because of that, along with his lame ass haircut, he was a total dip. The girl standing next to him was a dip too. And my judgement was also based upon aesthetic origins. She had purple hair and that was a huge just clear red flag, or should I say, purple flag. She was fat too. Anyways I kept walking down the dark blue hall, resisting the temptation of brain suicide as I listened in on people's conversations. Then there was Dana which was a really nice and stylish individual. I saw her sizing up some Justin looking peephole. She might have been pretty but I bet that she wouldn't be able to outrun a crocodile if she tried. It wasn't until I came to the end of the hall that I noticed some of my competition honing their craft. What's this? Not one but two goons locking in on an unsuspecting Tripe. The biggest goon was called Logan and he was doing it all wrong. He was holding the chubby tripe Daniel by the neck as he leaned up on him against the locker. Daniel was a fat ass beta fish blubber balloon and he needed to be treated as such. If I was in the position of Logan then I would have used my steroid powered fingers to force Daniel's eyelids open. Then I would blow into his eye making him cry for me. Cry for me! I passed them after having a nice little giggle towards their handiwork. What amateurs. That was when I remembered, that Goon was part of that Vortex club. The Vortex club was no big deal. It was like a fraternity for dinkles and pooks. It was the type of place that a nerd such as the girl to my right would never be allowed into. Her name was Brook. I'd seen her hanging out with my Tripe friend Warren. Yes he was a Tripe but he was my tripe. No one was allowed to pick on him but me and if they did then I would fight their entire family, I swear to god. I walked by Hayden, another vortex club pansy and two soggy dinks coming onto each other. I didn't care to remember their names. The creepy ass Janitor wasn't looking at them which was surprising to me him being a creeper and all. He was just standing there going at it with the mop. I made sure not to get in his way. Janitors are like real important people you know. It was empty inside of the bathroom. The first thing I did was walk up to the mirror. I took one look at myself but then turned around when I noticed something in the corner of my eye. There was a lot of writing on the stalls, a lot of artwork. I was very disappointed with what I saw. They were of very low quality. Stuff like illuminati pyramids and scribbles of wieners. You see, this is the type of new age garbage that plagues the Avante Garde approach to expression. I took it upon myself to show the female student body of Blackwell what true art looked like. With my marker of magic I carefully transformed the empty tiles into a marvelous drippy sentence. "Blackwell is a well and it is black because of the constipated turds which float atop its surface." Beautiful. Just. Beautiful. But while I was looking for a place to write, I ended up finding multiple swaths of dirty phrases involving... Victoria. What's this? I thought. Why are there so many writings about Vick the trick? What was the reason for this notoriety? Was I not just as important and dastardly as she was? I couldn't believe it. The entire scene pissed me off so much that I started to punch the mirrors and splash water on my face. I was a sike-o path after all. As much as I enjoy getting angry and experiencing the intense sensation of hatred, it almost always backfires on me. In this case I ended up jumping up and down and tearing down any fliers I saw in the bathroom. I started with the "please wash your hands" papers and then I moved on to the flu shot papers. When I ran out of stuff to rip up I pulled out my sexy picture from before and I ripped it up into tiny little pieces. "Screw you Vicki and screw everyone who hates you! You're not worth hating! I'll show them, I'll give them something REAL to complain about!" I was quiet after that. In the back of my mind I worried that somebody might have been in one of the stalls the entire time but if that was the case then I would just beat their asses. I looked at myself for a little while through the mirror. "Why do I look... so Ugly?" Just then, a little blue butterfly flew across my face. What the hell? How in the world did that get in here? I followed it slowly, spreading my hands apart to see if I could catch it. Sometimes I have really scary thoughts about how there might be an alternative reality where insects are giant and that they are the ones who rip off my body parts and flush me down the toilet, not vice versa. Regardless of this thought, I followed the little thing, trying to see if I could at least squeeze out a little fun from today. It landed on the mop bucket in the corner to the far left of the bathroom. I took one look at it before deciding if I should plunge forward and grab it or take a picture of it. I mean it was looking really cool in the dim light. I decided that I would take a picture of it then I would squish it. So I did just that, minus the squishing. You see, just as I got ready to snatch the butterfly, the door swung open and someone came in. Don't get me wrong, I Max Caulfield, feel no shame or embarrassment for anything I do. I do what I want and if someone doesn't like it then they get a foot in their ass, it's as simple as that. But I hate people. I hate it when they invade my privacy and this person which walked in was doing just that. It only took one peak for me to realize that it was a boy. Oh well. "It's cool Nathan. You're cool. Don't stress just... Count to three." I knew who he was. He was that Priss piss Prescott. He didn't see me hiding behind the corner. He was just talking to himself all nervous like. "Don't be scared. You own this school. If I wanted I could blow it up. Haha. You're the boss." Ha it sounded like he was blasted out of his mind. What a mook. Just then the door opened again. This time it was a girl. I could tell by the voice. "I hope you checked the perimeter as my step ass would say. Now, let's talk business." "I got nothing for you". "Wrong, you've got cash." "Yeah my family, not me." "Aww are they not letting you access your trust fund?" Listen, I know you've been pumping up drugs and shit to kids around here. I bet your respectable little family would help me out if I went to them." "Leave them out of this bitch!" What the hell was going on here? Why were these two assholes in my bathroom? Didn't they know that anyone could just walk in on them? They started getting real heated. "You don't know who the fuck I am or who you're messing around with!" "Where'd you get that? What're you doing? Come on man. Put that thing down!" That was when I saw. "Don't ever tell me what to do. I am so sick of people trying to control me!" "Get away from me you psycho!" And that was when it happened. I jumped out and raised my hand for some reason. That was all it took. Everything got extremely blurry for a few seconds and then there I was back in class. What the fuck? That stupid piece of shit... he shot her right in the belly. But now... There was Jeff again. Shushing and lecturing about Cock. There was the yuppie girl throwing paper at Onion Head and... There was Vicki's phone. It all happened just as I thought about it. This was for real. Shit! I knocked my camera down and it fell onto the floor, shattering into a bajillion pieces. God damn it! I looked over to Jeff again. He was going on about that dark corner crap. There was no way... This had already happened before. How did this happen? I knew it was me. It had to have been me. I looked down at the camera... Then I looked at my hand. I was right. All I had to do was raise it. Everything became blurry again and my camera... The little pieces which made up my camera all started to come together. Everything just played into reverse as if reality was a video or something. When everything was clear again, my camera was back where it had been before. "Wowser". Eww why did I say that? I was a human time machine. That was when I started to wonder. I picked up my camera and for some reason I felt tempted. I felt like I needed to follow up with what had already happened. So I took another picture. "I believe Max has taken what you kids call a selfie. A dumb word of a wonderful photographic tradition and Max has a gift." Just like last time. This was for real. Holy shit this was for real. I could go back in time... I. was. God. My mind was spinning out of control at this point. I was thinking about myself. I was thinking about the possibilities. I was god. I could do anything I wanted now. I could say anything, make anything happen. The first thing that I thought about was Jeff. I knew what he was going to ask me next. "Now Max, since you've captured our interest and clearly want to join the conversation can you please tell us the name of the process that gave birth to the first self-portraits?" Even though I saw it coming a mile away I didn't care. I didn't care about anything at that moment. I mean I usually didn't care about anything regardless of the situation but this time I felt impossible. I felt like it didn't matter what happened, I wouldn't pay it any attention. "I feel sick, can I go to the office?" "Nice try Max, but you're not gonna get away that easy. We can talk more after class." Damn it, this fucking ass wagon! That was when I remembered. Those kids. That kid. She was shot. Did she die? Wait, none of that had happened yet. Technically speaking I could sort of stop it from happening. Now why I would want to was a separate issue entirely. "Now you're totally stuck in the retro zone, sad face". I turned to look at Vick who was replaying reality again. "I stuck my special finger up, first at her and then into my nose. She didn't see of course. Jeff kept talking after that. That was when I decided to do a little... Experiment. I stuck out my hand again and as easy as it sounded, the world started to rewind. It was so freaking weird. Jeff walked backwards and everyone's lips sort of waved from side to side. It was a good thing that it went by fast. When it stopped Jeff started talking again. "Now Max, since you've captured our interest and clearly want to join the conversation can you please tell us the name of the process that gave birth to the first self-portraits?" I looked at my hand then back at him then back at my hand then back at him. "The name of the process?" "Mhmm." "We'll the name of the process was..." I felt a small trickle of excitement making my voice a little shaky. "The name of the process was your momma!" "Excuse me?" "Excuse you? Did you fart or something?" He stopped dead in his tracks and looked over to me in anger and disbelief. "The name is your momma, your daddy and your musty smelling granny process!" The entire class got real quiet after that. I didn't look directly at Jefferson's face for some reason. I guess I was scared that it wouldn't work again. I lifted my right arm again. It all came back to the same place. "Can you please tell us the name of the process that gave birth to the first self-portraits?" I started to laugh but I choked on myself to make sure it didn't come out. "I don't know." I said. There was something I wanted to try. "Is there anybody here who knows their stuff?" Vick raised her hand for the fourth time and repeated the same answer that she had been saying all along. I finally paid attention. Then I raised it again "The daguerreian process made by some French guy". "Somebody has been reading as well as posing. Nice work Max." There was no doubt about it now. I was god. After that everything went the same way as before. And just like before, when I tried to rush out into the hall he called for me again but I didn't give a shit. I ran down the same hall and I saw the same things that I had seen before. This was real. This was completely real and I was loving it. I ran into the bathroom without having any idea of what I was going to do next. Was I going to jump that Priss piss or was I going to jump out and interrupt their meeting? The thought about it all had me shivering. I waited behind the stall. The butterfly came just like I expected as I took the same picture as before. I heard the same yelling and rambling as before and I watched it all until the very end where she died again. I pulled back my middle finger and the rewind became slower. It became smooth and steady. I stopped a few seconds before the shot again. "Get that gun away from me psycho!" Bang! I pulled back again. "Psycho!" Bang! "Psycho!" Bang! It was so easy. Bang! Bang! Bang! "Psycho!" "Psycho!" "Psycho!" I don't remember for how long I was there, outside of time. I lost track of the number of times that I watched her die. I like to think that I did it to see if I would see something different. If maybe he wouldn't shoot her on one of the tries, maybe she would look in a different direction, maybe her body would fall to a different side. I tried to make myself believe it was that but it wasn't. I heard her, watched her die so many times… and it was fun. It came to a point where I wasn't scared anymore. She would be ok. Every time she died, I would bring her back. It came to a point where I felt like I was killing her but I wasn't. I was just moving myself through something that had already happened and it felt good. It felt good to have this control. At the flick of my finger I made all of reality bow to me. I still can't tell you for how long I was there but I can tell you that when I did stop it was not because I was bored, but because I was hungry for something else, something bigger than death. And speaking of death, I was getting goosebumps for what I was about to do. I rewinded again, this time I did it extra, all the way to the point where he first takes out the gun and shows it to her. Then I moved. I moved so fast and simple. I knew exactly what it was that I had to do. How couldn't I? I had been in this moment so many times now. I looked over to the fire alarm and got ready to push. I waited of course. I wanted to do it right before she got killed, I wanted to see if I could do that. She died again. I pushed the button but the glass was in the way. I looked around for something to break it. She died about three more times before I got frustrated and flipped the mop bucket over. Then that was when I saw it, a hammer. The alarm sounded just as her annoying voice screamed "Psycho!"


End file.
